How should I start? How can I describe Him? He the Greatest of all. I’m thinking of Him while having these forehead furrows. I’m out of words. I’m so deeply in love with Him that I feel the lump in my throat just now. A thought of Him makes me so weak on the inside, makes me feel like a useless paper in front of Him.
Do I have any existence? Does He love me? Does He like me enough to recognize me in the billions of people. In between these passel of pious people, does He look at me and see that I exist? Do you Allah Tala?
When I was young I used to say that I was your favourite but I doubt that about myself now. I’m so guilty. I’m so ashamed that I can’t even think of it. People are better, a lot better to be near you but not me because I don’t cover my hair, I pray for months then I go on with the usual. I’m writing about you, and I shouldn’t be having my ear phones on? Right? But they are! Why?
Why can’t I please You in a way You asked me to? What should I do? Is this tear which just fell off my face a proof that I love you? Love you more than I could love anyone? Allah Tala, I need you. I need you by my side. I’m so alone. I might not be alone to the people because they see two of my cousins sitting beside me but I’m alone on my own. My soul lacks the feel of having You.
Allah Tala. I just want to call Your name again and again. I don’t know why. You know I was never like this the way I’m today. You know it right? I feel like coming to You. Meet You, be near to You. I read Quran longer than usual today because Hazrat Ali(A.S) stated ‘ If you want to talk to Allah perform Salah and if you want Allah to talk to you read Quran’. I tried to communicate but sadly I just read it. I didn’t get what You were saying. I never get what You say. I always show up with something bad and that’s definitely not You.
You know me. You know it that I can never stay alone. I’m afraid of the darkness. I’m afraid of small places. I feel suffocated there. I’m weak on the inside. Will You leave me alone in this dark grave?
Allah Tala I’m sorry. I’m sorry with all of my heart. Please don’t let go of that rope which connects You with me. I truly expect You to love me the way you did when I was a toddler, void of all the sins.
