My Self is my worst enemy.
The Self I am referring to is the urge, desire, and nagging voice inside that pushes me to do the things that add almost zero value to Me. The Me is the net result of my life, the reason of my existence, and the supreme power of judgment that is a gift to some and a curse for others.
I can live to sooth my Self or to better the state of my Me. The Self I view as a satisfaction-whore that elevates its position in the scale of things that should matter. I want to live the best, claim responsibility for the good and the bad around me, and chase importance in everyone’s eyes because these are the pursuits that matter to my Self. The bettering of the state of Me is being content with what I have, not doing to be seen and lauded but just to do, and disregarding what others think because I exist for God, to leave the world better than how I found it, or any of the various reasons I can claim as my purpose.
To choose between these two alternatives should be simple but the Self has the one trump card that it never tires of playing; judgment clouding. It influences the Me easily into assuming its motives as Me’s own. The chase for the next fun-buddy, retarding mind-trip, and exhilarating experience are all satisfactions I have prioritized highly at some point in my life. Where the Me would have seen them for their fleeting nature, my Self elevated their importance in my life to the point where they were my one ‘need’. The poor old Me could do nothing to quench the thirst of the next hit of satisfaction except keeping on the supply.
To control the Self is to win the only war that matters. However, It is a war that very few are even aware of much less in pursuit of winning. That is why the first step is to awaken and catch my ME as I see it succumbing to my Self’s clouding seductions. When I stop the process of seduction midway through, I have won a battle. As I catch it earlier and earlier, I win more battles. There is no prevention of these battles as the Self is as much a part of my being as is the Me. It is who I let control my being that wins the war. Through my Me’s ultimate control and then utilization of my Self, Iqbal says I can come closer to divinity than I can through any other means. I try hard to let my Me control and try harder to elevate my Self so that my “needs” can be aligned with my purpose. It is this pursuit of optimization that I live for and aim to die for.
“Khudi ko kar buland itna ke har taqdeer se pehle, Khuda banday se ye pooche bata teri raza kya hai.” –Allama Iqbal